Then and now

Not one breath of wind entered the Wanaka bubble. Crystal blue water gleamed as the sun bounced off it shining into squinting eyes as seagulls flocked off the water and onto the beach swooping in trying to get the last chip as if they were people trying to get the final bus ride of the night. Bitter cold ice cream sinks into your mouth while ducks waddle and wait for the end of the cone. Red bodies cover the lakefront as the few frantic mums engulf their children in sunblock while teenagers make sure they don’t have one drop so they have a perfect tan over their bodies, but by the end of the day resemble a roasted chicken. Kids burn their bottoms as they slide down the dinosaur slide giving a howl like a wolf when the full moon is out. Wet people looking like freshly bathed dogs flood the wharf waiting to jump while the pontoon slowly sinking as if there was quick sand bellow it but more and more people still set foot on it. As the pontoon gets swallowed, tourist don’t take in the view, they take photos of the mountains like they are tigers at a zoo. The photos getting interrupted by water skiers flying in on to the shore and setting their bare feet on to scorching hot rocks that melt your feet every single step. Bikers then dodge all the tourists that scatter across the path like professional dodge ball players. Hot air filling the lungs of the bikers and runners as if the lungs were a hot air balloon. Looking into the sky that is bluer then blue berries you loose track of whats going on around your self. Clouds then start to eat away at the blue sky like fire to dry wood, and thats when you know that winter is on its way.

Clouds start to swallow the Wanaka bubble like a roof going onto a house. While the clouds come in the lake front gets abandon and the mountains eco the thunder making all the dogs ears go down. Morning comes around as frost fills every single open area like water filling up a dam. Frost on the grass crunches as your walk on it while your lungs get filled with freezing air. Not one sound can be heard when you stop walking, just yourself and the mountains. Suddenly a fierce runner comes flying past in t-shirt and shorts as pale as a polar bear. While the runner Fades into the distance you stride onto the wharf looking out over the lake to see not a single ripple and the waterfall only trickle. Blue of the water reflecting onto the sky up high. Also up high are the mountains which have blankets of snow on the tops of them making them look like a teenagers tan line. Suddenly the weather turns from amazing to horrible in a blink of an eye, the dinosaur playground getting drenched with rain and the drain not keeping up with the rain making them clog and slowly bloating ardmore street and the lake front. Still cars sit in the parking lot getting ponded with rain, but inside the family of four share warm hot chips getting consumed in seconds. As the rain dies down so does the sound. Clouds parting and wanaka felling hearty the mountains looking arty.

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Hi Sam,

Overall I want to see you crafting this so that it is a united ‘whole’. Currently the sentences don’t seem connected. You tend to list off a range of things that are experienced, rather than working them together for a shared purpose.

– watch run-on sentences
– avoid ‘mixed-metaphors’ – try to build the picture utilising similar comparisons
– look to include the ‘icons’ of the scene. How can you transport your reader to Wanaka through your words and the images you create?

Keep working towards painting a polished ‘whole’ in your piece. Appeal to the senses and craft each sentence so that it gives rise to the next.

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